;parse arg cmd;options results;bold= d2c(2);inv= d2c(22);evnum=Substr(Address(),Pos('.',Address()));getchannel;Channel=RESULT;Call Setclip('DFxTIME'evnum,Time());rand=0;if Upper(cmd)='RANDOM' then;Do;cmd=Random(1,22,Time(s));rand=1;End;if cmd=''|cmd>22|cmd<1 then;do;"echo P="d2c(27)"b«DWaRFQUOTe» Usage: /DwQUOTE <QuoteNumber 1-22>";"echo P="d2c(27)"b«DWaRFQUOTe» Or /DwQUOTE RANDOM";exit;end;"echo P="d2c(27)"b«DWaRFQUOTe» Using |DWaRFQUOTe| "inv" By Gaz Murfin "inv" Quote #"bold||cmd||bold" in "bold||channel||bold;"echo "bold"|DWaRFx-TNG|"bold" Get It At - http://www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~gazy/";IF rand=1 then "say "bold"Random RedDwarf Quote #"cmd"."bold;Call mainpart();Exit;MainPart:;SELECT;WHEN cmd='1' THEN;DO;MSG(1,"Lister:","I just think youre a bit cocky for a guy who has never actually met a real woman before...");MSG(1,"Cat:","I've seen mirrors. I have eyes. Face it buddy - I have a body that makes men wet. You ever heard of an animal called the Iranian Jerd? It can do 150 pelvic thrusts a second.");MSG(1,"Lister:",""bold"So?");MSG(1,"Cat:","Thats me in slo-mo. Put a Black & Decker drill on the end, I can make it through walls! ");END;WHEN cmd='2' THEN;DO;MSG(1,"Cat:","Whats he talking about?....");MSG(1,"Lister:","I Dunno - For some reason, hes got this whacked out Idea that all three of us were going on a fishing holiday.....");MSG(1,"Cat:","A fishing Holiday?");MSG(1,"Rimmer:"," Spots note pinned on Fridge,");MSG(1,"","They all look at their feet....");MSG(1,"Rimmer:","Dear Rimmer, We have gone on a fishing holiday on the ocean planet we passed two days ago. We tried to wake you but couldnt. See You in three days, L,K & C");MSG(1,"Kryten:","They made me do it sir! I had no choice!");END;WHEN cmd='3' THEN;DO;MSG(1,"Rimmer:","What about Lister and the Cat?");MSG(1,"","Im OK. I don't seem to be affected. Its TRUE, I dont think anyones ever truely loved me in my entire life, but uh...theres nothing new about that.");MSG(1,"Cat:","Whats gotten into you guys? This is like Saturday night at the Wailing Wall. "bold"Why is it always me who has to be the strong one?");MSG(1,"","Without me you guys would just fall apart.");MSG(1,"Kryten:","We should get back as soon as we can and take a mood stabilizer - suggest Lithium carbonate.");END;WHEN cmd='4' THEN;DO;MSG(1,"Lister:","WAIT! Dont do anything. Im coming in...Kryten get the bazookoids, Rimmer plot a course!");MSG(1,"Rimmer:","Lister, Tune into Sanity FM.");MSG(1,"Lister:","What?...Are you saying they were...Psirens");MSG(1,"Rimmer:","Oh course! Its as plain as a Bulgarian pin-up");MSG(1,"Lister:","You sure?");MSG(1,"Rimmer:","Come on Listy, you're giving simpletons a bad name!");END;WHEN cmd='5' THEN;DO;MSG(1,"Rimmer:","Any Damage?");MSG(1,"Cat:","Not too bad. A couple of the sensors are out, the fuel intake chambers are both flooded and the left pilot seat doesn't go up and down anymore"bold"!");MSG(1,"Rimmer:","We came through that intact?");MSG(1,"Kryten:","StarBug was built to last sir. This old babys crashed more times than a ZX81.");MSG(1,"Lister:","It's the material its built from. Aerospace engineers discovered that after a plane crash, the only thing that always survives intact is a cute little doll. They built StarBug out of the same stuff.");MSG(1,"Cat:","Is that a fact?");MSG(1,"Lister:","Cat youre so gullible!");MSG(1,"Cat:","Thanks!");END;WHEN cmd='6' THEN;DO;MSG(1,"Lister:","Brace yourselves, we are going through it!");MSG(1,"Rimmer:","Motor cycles! Looks like they're carrying personal rocket launchers");MSG(1,"Lister:","That bridge, Think we can make it?");MSG(1,"Rimmer:","It's rising!");MSG(1,"Lister:","Got any better ideas"bold"?");MSG(1,"Cat:","Do it!");MSG(1,"All:","Woooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!");END;WHEN cmd='7' THEN;DO;MSG(1,"Lister:","Don't fight it, man. Let it take you...");MSG(1,"Rimmer:","How can you be so mind bogglingly flippant? Don't you realise whats going to happen? Were going to "bold"crash!");MSG(1,"Lister:","You've got to stay calm. It's a known fact - the more relaxed you are, the less youre likely to be injured.");MSG(1,"Kryten:","Good luck, everybody - here it comes!");MSG(1,"All:","Ahhh!");END;WHEN cmd='8' THEN;DO;MSG(1,"Orderly:","No, this is right. Dibbley. This is the Dibbley party. Which ones Duane Dibbley?");MSG(2,"","^Duane^");MSG(3,"","looks up...");MSG(1,"Cat:","No! Please No! I don't want to be Duane Dibbley!");MSG(1,"Lister:","It's TRUE - It's got your photo, name and address & everything. Theres an anorak in here...");MSG(3,"","is shamed..");MSG(1,"Lister:","White socks...nylon shirt.....plastic sandals....aertex vest....cardigan....Oh, and a key to the salvation Army Hostel....");MSG(1,"Cat:","It doesn't make sense");MSG(1,"Rimmer:","I'm sorry, bit im afriad it makes perfect sense...Duane. Imagine a guy with no élan, no style, a misfit. Doesnt it make total sense that this hapless creature would give his back teeth to play someone like the Cat in a computer game?");MSG(1,"Cat:","So this is really me? a no-style gimbo with teeth the druids could use as a place of worship.");END;WHEN cmd='9' THEN;DO;MSG(1,"Rimmer:","I don't know what to say..");MSG(1,"Lister:",bold"nothing to say");MSG(1,"Rimmer:","You've made a supreme sacrifice. You know that? A SUPREME sacrifice.");MSG(1,"Lister:","Had to be done");MSG(1,"Rimmer:","I've been judging the book by it's cover, havent I? All these years, thats what Ive been doing. But when it really comes down to it, you're one heck of a regular guy.");MSG(1,"Lister:","ohh (grunts)");END;WHEN cmd='10' THEN;DO;MSG(1,"Cat:","Ohhhhh, paisley with stripes, nice match Green anoraks with furry collars......they're great...");MSG(1,"Kryten:","Sir he's delirious.");MSG(1,"Cat:","Ohhhh...rubber over trousers, held down with bicycle clips. "bold"Wow!");MSG(4,"","Cat is delirious...listen to his fevered rantings right here! "bold"|DWaRFx-TNG|");END;WHEN cmd='11' THEN;DO;MSG(1,"Lister:","Jake - Jake Bullet");MSG(1,"Kryten:","Jake Bullet - Cybernautic Detective. I like that. Sounds like the kind of hard-living flatfoot who gets the job done by cutting corners and bucking authority. And if those pen pushers up at city hall don't like it, they can park their over");MSG(1,"","paid, fat asses on this mid digit and swivel till they squeal like pigs on a honeymoon.");MSG(1,"Rimmer:","On the other hand, Mr Bullet, perhaps the Cybernautic Division is in charge of traffic control and you just happen to have a rather macho "bold"silly name");MSG(1,"Kryten:","Oh, yes sir. Good Point. I didn't think of that");MSG(2,"","Jake_Bullet");END;WHEN cmd='12' THEN;DO;MSG(1,"Rimmer:","Kryten, would you get the hacksaw and follow me?");MSG(1,"Kryten:","Where are we going?");MSG(1,"Rimmer:","We are going to do to Lister what Alexander the great once did to "bold"ME.");END;WHEN cmd='13' THEN;DO;MSG(1,"Womans Voice:","For the last four years, you have been enaged in the Total Immersion Video game |RedDwarf|. As with all role-playing adventures, you will experience a certain amount of disorientation on leaving the game. It will be several minutes");MSG(1,"","before your real life memories return, so, in the meantime, please disengage the game playing machinery and relax until an attendant is free to answer any of your questions. On behalf of Leisure World International may we be the first");MSG(1,"","to say,"bold" Welcome back to reality.");MSG(1,"Lister:","This is a very, very bad dream, right?");MSG(1,"",""bold"|DWaRFx-TNG|");END;WHEN cmd='14' THEN;DO;MSG(1,"Lister:","Lose his leg?");MSG(1,"Kryten:","I fear so. The operation required to save it, is beyond my expertise.");MSG(1,"Cat:","Lose my leg? Oh thats terrible - none of my suits will fit!");MSG(2,"","^Cat^");MSG(3,"","faints...");END;WHEN cmd='15' THEN;DO;MSG(1,"Rimmer:","How would you feel if some git arrived from another dimension - another Lister with wall-to-wall charisma and a Ph.D in being deeply handsome and wonderful?");MSG(1,"Lister:","hey man - I am that Lister!");MSG(1,"Rimmer:","No, come on. How would you feel if there was another Lister doing a hell of a lot better than you?");MSG(1,"Lister:","Ahh shut up you gimboid"bold"!");END;WHEN cmd='16' THEN;DO;MSG(1,"Lister:","It's because you're unhappy with your own weasly, humdrum existance. Youre looking for something with a bit more...I don't know....glamour?");MSG(1,"Lister:","Now is what counts - you've got to live life today. Who knows whats going to happen tommorow? Who knows whats going to happen in the next 5 minutes?");MSG(1,"Lister:","Thats what makes life so exciting.");MSG(1,"","*ThE MeTe0r SmAsHeS iNtø ThËM "bold"|DWaRFx-TNG|");END;WHEN cmd='17' THEN;DO;MSG(1,"Lister","crosses to the blankets, takes out his ZiPPo and holds it to the blankets, they dont ignite, Listers jacket does.");MSG(1,"Rimmer:","Whatever crime you try to commit, the consequences happen to you.");MSG(1,"Listers","jacket blazes in flames");MSG(1,"Lister:","I'm not with "bold"you");MSG(1,"Lister","feels the heat from the back of his flaming jacket...SMEGGING HELL!! Nice example Rimmer, nice example...");END;WHEN cmd='18' THEN;DO;MSG(1,"Rimmer:","Skipper?");MSG(1,"Ace:","Chap like him needs a nickname. Thought skipper sat rather well.");MSG(1,"Rimmer:","Ace & Skipper? You sound like a kids TV series about a boy and his bush kangaroo.");MSG(1,"Ace:","Dont listen to him, skipper. Lets get this TeaChest up into the stars and back to the "bold"small rouge one");MSG(1,"Rimmer:","Yes the sooner we get back, the sooner you can climb into a nice soapy bath together and play Spot the submarine!");END;WHEN cmd='19' THEN;DO;MSG(1,"Rimmer:","Oh Listy, Listy. Is that a small sewage plant you're carrying in your trousers, or do I detect you're a tad concerned?");MSG(1,"Lister:","Well come on guys - everyone has done something in their past thats a bit illegal.");MSG(1,"Rimmer:","I haven't. I've never so much as got a parking fine.");MSG(1,"Cat:","So what did you do"bold"?");MSG(1,"Lister:","Well I mean like scrumping, when I was a kid back in Liverpool we all used to go scrumping.");MSG(1,"Kryten:","Stealing apples, that's hardly a crime.");MSG(1,"Lister:","Yeah but me and me mates, we used to go scrumping for cars.");END;WHEN cmd='20' THEN;DO;MSG(1,"Lister:","yeah, but there was other stuff as a kid. Stuff I didn't get caught for.");MSG(1,"Rimmer:","Like what?");MSG(1,"Lister:","There was this one time at this hotel");MSG(1,"Kryten:","Oh, lots of people take towels from hotels");MSG(1,"Lister:","I took the bed. Winched it out of the window to my mate outside. I was renting this flat, It was unfurnished.");MSG(1,"Rimmer:","So you went to a hotel and stole the "bold"Bed?");MSG(1,"Lister:","I stole the entire room, actually. Armchair, dressing table, carpet. Even the fitted wardrobe. The only thing I didn't take were the towels, Im not proud of it.");END;WHEN cmd='21' THEN;DO;MSG(1,"*Scene*","Rimmer is detained in a cell for the murder of the entire RedDwarf crew.");MSG(1,"Lister:","Hi, Killer.");MSG(1,"Rimmer:","Nine Thousand years. Nine!");MSG(1,"Lister:","I've brought you a book....(throws it on the bed)");MSG(1,"Rimmer:","Oh, Thanks. That'll help the centuries fly past.");MSG(1,"Lister:","Look, don't panic, man. We are going to get you out of here");MSG(1,"Rimmer:","Why Bother? Ill be up for parole in a couple of Ice Ages.");END;WHEN cmd='22' THEN;DO;MSG(1,"Rimmer:","For pitys sake, one breech in that hull and we are people paté");MSG(1,"Cat:","Theres an old cat proverb, its better to live one hour as a tiger than a whole lifetime as a worm.");MSG(1,"Rimmer:","Theres an old Human saying, Whoever heard of a wormskin rug?");END;END;Return;MSG:;Parse Arg type,head,mess;If head~="" then mess=inv||head||inv" "mess;Select;When type=1 Then "Say "mess;When type=2 Then "Say /Nick "mess;When type=3 Then "Say /Me "mess;When type=4 Then "Say /Topic "mess;End;Call Time(R);Do Until Time(E)>2;End;Return(0)
